• For a week I had been wandering around the house and the university like a zombie. I couldn't come to terms with what I had done. Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw the terrified look of that man, his bloody body and that gash on his neck. In my ears I heard that wet sound as the knife sank into his body again and again. I killed him. I killed him for daring to defy me. I deprived him of his life because I couldn't control myself. I never thought I would be able to do such a thing, and I began to simply fear it. The worst part of it all was that I didn't know who I could talk to about it. Seon was out, because she was probably the only innocent person around me, and I was sure she wouldn't be able to understand me. Lucas and Xiao liked to kill, so I was sure I wouldn't find understanding from them either. That still left me with Yoongi, but since Kai's death he too had a lot on his mind and I didn't want to add more problems for him. If I were a normal person, I would just go to a psychologist, who would probably find a way to help me. Only I was no longer normal a long time ago. After all, I couldn't walk into an office and say: good morning, I killed a man and I don't know how to deal with remorse. Could you please give me some advice? I sighed heavily and once again made an unsuccessful attempt to rid my head of these persistent images. Finally, after another fruitless hour, I asked Hendery to drive me to the shooting range. I hoped that just being among the guns would have a soothing effect on me. Or at least pull me away from thinking about what I had done.
• When I got there, I told Hendery to take a break, but asked him to be on the phone. I wasn't sure how long I would stay here, so I didn't want to force him to sit in the car. Besides, I preferred as few people as possible to see me in the state I was currently in. Inside I found Yoongi cleaning weapons and without a word I joined him. I liked working with him because he never spoke unnecessarily and never forced me to talk. We could sit in silence, communicating only with gestures or glances. I was glad that Yoongi agreed to stay in the group. He was like an older brother to me, and I knew I could count on him and his discretion.
• - Y/n, are you all right? - I raised a surprised look upward and saw that he was looking at me with concern.
• - Yes, why do you ask?
• - Because you have been cleaning the same place for about fifteen minutes. In a moment you will tear off all the protective coating - he took the gun from me and put it down on the table next to us - you know I don't like to press you to talk, but I'm starting to worry. What's going on?
• - Everything - I sighed heavily and closed my eyes - I can't cope. I can't cope with Kai's death or the fact that I'm becoming a monster - tears flowed from my eyes after the last words.
• - What are you talking about?! You are not a monster!
• - I am! - I jumped up on my feet - a week ago I killed a man, do you understand?! I killed him because I didn't like what he said about me! I'm a *ing monster who can't control herself! - I slumped to the floor and hid my face in my hands, sobbing loudly.
• Yoongi knelt down next to me and pulled me close. I hid my face in his chest and broke into loud cries. All the while I was crying, he held me in his arms and stroked my back reassuringly. After a few minutes, when my crying began to quiet down, he carefully lifted me to my feet and seated me at the table. He reached for a packet of tissues lying nearby and handed them to me. I accepted them and smiled at him gratefully.
• - I'm sorry you had to look at it - I wiped my face and blew my nose.
• - Don't worry about it - he stroked my hand - I understand that all this is hard for you and you had to get rid of the accumulated emotions somehow. You should get it off your chest, it will be easier for you.
• - Yoongi, I don't want to add to your problems. You already have enough on your mind even without this.
• - Y/n, you will never be a problem for me. And it seems to me that of all the people around you, I'm the only one who won't comfort you with empty words. You suffer from remorse, right?
• - Yes - I admitted quietly - I should not have killed him. I should have told him to get out and never come back!
• - Let's talk about it calmly. Xiao told me everything, but I also want to look at it from your perspective. Especially since I have the feeling that you are blaming yourself unnecessarily.
• - From my perspective?! Yoongi, I killed him! What else should I tell you about?! How I stabbed him again and again in the stomach or how I slit his throat without a second thought?!
• - Y/n, calm down - he grabbed my hand - maybe to start with, tell me, where did you get the knife?
• - What?!
• - Where did you get the knife? - he repeated the question in a calm voice, so I looked at him surprised and returned to the events of a week ago.
• - It was his knife.
• - And how did it find its way into your hand?
• - I took it from him when he attacked me - I admitted quietly.
• - He attacked you - he nodded slightly - did he stop when you took the knife from him? Or did he continue to attack you?
• - He still attacked me - I replied frustratedly - but why do you ask that?! What is it supposed to give me?!
• - This will help you realize that you were only defending yourself.
• - But I didn't have to kill him! Or at least not so brutally - I objected to him.
• - Sometimes I still forget that you have been in our world for such a short time - he shook his head slightly - Y/n, for attacking the boss you face death, do you understand? He was already a corpse anyway. You only hastened the execution, earning the respect of the others in the process.
• I wanted to disagree with him, but after a while I realized that Yoongi was right. If I hadn't taken any action, things might have turned out differently. I proved to my new men that I wasn't weak, but that still didn't make me feel any better. I lowered my shoulders resignedly, still feeling the overwhelming weight.
• - I could have given him to Lucas - I remarked quietly.
• - You could have, but did you have any idea how it would have turned out? Lucas would have made a demonstration killing out of it....
• - And didn't I do the same?!
• - You did, but believe me that Lucas would have done it much more brutally. I've known him long enough to know exactly how this guy would have ended up. Half of those present would not have been able to stand to the end, and you would never have looked at him the same way again.
• - So what, am I supposed to be proud of killing him?
• - Proud? No, but you shouldn't torture yourself with remorse. From now on you are the boss, you are responsible for your men, and you must know when and how to punish them. If your decisions are firm and your punishments are harsh, but carried out without unnecessary brutality, everything will be fine. If you are a strict and understanding boss at the same time then I assure you that they will respect you. They will be loyal to you and follow your orders without a blink of an eye.
• - I'm afraid that I won't manage - I sighed heavily - I'm just a much meaningless woman.
• - You are wrong, because your situation has already changed. And if you act as I told you, the Elders will start to trust you more and stop picking on who you are.
• - Do you really think so? - I looked at him hopefully.
• - I'm sure of it. Maybe in the past the bosses had to keep everything with a firm hand and obedience was enforced by fear, but over the years things have changed. Now, to keep your men in line you have to look at them as people, as co-partners, not as cannon meat. And don't treat them down, because they are not your toys, they are your employees. Your success and your profits depend on how your cooperation goes.
• - You just gave me a lot to think about. Kai used to do that too, didn't he?
• - Yes, the boss started in a brutal way, but later it came to him that he would not achieve much this way. That's why he preferred to make alliances and communicate with the other groups rather than take over everything by force. I suspect that he would have tried to get along with Latinos if he could. And we and they have lost a lot of men and precious time fighting for this city.
• - That's true, but Velazques' power is already wobbling badly. He's been losing more and more since the Blacks withdrew from the city - I noted - except that... I have a strange feeling that it's not over yet.
• - I feel it too - he nodded with understanding - something big is coming. Someone who will be more fierce and stronger than Velazques and his men. That's why you must prove to the Elders as soon as possible that you can handle it. We need to get this chaos under control as soon as possible and drive Velazques and his men out of the city. And then consolidate your position and wait for whoever shows up.
• - Do you have any suspicions? Do you know who we can expect?
• - For now it's just a mere suspicion, but....
• - But?
• Yoongi plunged into silence for a moment and stroked one of the pistols lying in front of him. After a moment, he raised his eyes to me and sighed slightly, as if he feared that what he was about to tell me might turn out to be true.
• - Y/n, I don't want to add to your worries. It could all be just rumors, nothing more.
• - In every rumor there is a grain of truth. Therefore, if you know something, you'd better tell me about it. I prefer to know where we stand.
• - Well - he surrendered - I don't need to remind you that there is a permanent presence in San Francisco of Wu and young Cai supported by smaller groups. And besides them are there others of other nationalities?
• - Of course not. Anyway, Chu has his main residence there - I spit out the name with disdain.
• - That's right, but there are quite a few other groups there besides us, and that's why the Elders decided that they wanted to extend their influence to Seattle. After all, we have excellent ports of entry and an airport here. At the very beginning, our cities worked closely together, but after a while they separated. However, there are a few less important bosses from subordinate groups who still shuttle between Seattle and San Francisco. And they are the ones who have begun to pass on disturbing signals.
• - Something is going wrong for them?
• - You could say that. About a week ago, a new group appeared in San Francisco. Young, but quite strong, and it looks like they are sharpening their teeth for something big. So far they've been lurking, but they've spread the word and have been taking a particularly strong interest in Seattle lately.
• - Do you think they will try to get in between us and Velazques?
• - There is such a risk. Velazques is severely weakened and has been left without allies, and with us there is still chaos. And we both know very well that if two groups are fighting each other somewhere....
• - It's the third one that can take the whole pot - I rose from my seat and leaned against the table - do they know anything about them yet?
• - So far not very much, except that they are Koreans. Apparently the group has been operating for less than three years, but before that it was supposed to be part of a much larger one operating in Busan. So far, they don't know if the group came apart, or if those in Busan plan to expand their influence beyond Korea. Both options are quite likely. Unfortunately, that's all they know at the moment. The group's top remains in the shadows for now, and not much is known about them.
• - Okay, I'll talk to Lucas about it and tell Mark to start looking into them. He should be able to manage to dig up something on them. Do you think the Elders know anything about it?
• - It's hard to say. Wu is focused on forging a new alliance with one of the Russian groups and has been in Europe for a month, while his son is fighting with one of the Latino groups. Cai might have some insight, but he returned permanently to Shanghai long ago, and his son prefers to spend his time in rallying around clubs rather than taking an interest in his own affairs.
• - As usual, there will always be someone who has his responsibilities in his ass - I remarked frustratedly - It looks like, for now, probing the Koreans will fall on us. Although maybe it's better, because if I get ahead of the other groups, I can win over the Elders more easily.
• - I see you're back on track - he smiled at me - are you feeling better?
• - Maybe a little. Talking to you helped me, although I still feel a little insecure. It's hard for me to accept that from now on my life will look like this. However, I hope that from today I will have to kill only those who really deserve it.
• - Y/n, no matter what you think, you are not a monster - he came up to me and put his arm around my shoulders - if you were one you wouldn't care what you did. You would just shrug your shoulders and act as if nothing much had happened.
• - But I'm still a murderer, now double.
• - As long as you don't get pleasure out of it, everything will be ok. We'll start worrying when killing starts to give you joy or you torture people for fun.
• - Yoongi, then I want to ask you for something.
• - Ask for everything you want.
• - Everything? - I raised my eyebrow upward.
• - Yes, for everything.
• - Well - I sighed and looked him carefully in the eyes - I want you to promise me that if you see me falling to the bottom, you will stop me. And if you fail to do so... then....
• - Yes?
• - If even you can no longer stop me, then I want you to kill me.
• - Y/n...
• - Yoongi, I don't want to become a stone-cold killer. I don't want to be a monster who takes pleasure in the suffering of others and feeds on their fear and pain. Please promise me this. I can only count on you in this regard - I looked at him pleadingly.
• Yoongi looked intently into my eyes for some time and was still thinking about the answer. I knew I placed him in a difficult situation, but I told the truth. Only he will be able to see that I have completely lost control of myself and that I will no longer be able to return to normalcy. And only he will be able to carry out the execution on me. After a few minutes of silence, he shook his head slightly and sighed deeply.
• - You are asking me to do something really big, but fine. I will do it - he agreed - if I see that there is no longer any salvation for you, I will end your life. And I will do it in the most painless way possible.
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