Two days after the funeral and after the conversation with the Elders, during which they forced my engagement with Lucas, I broke down once again. I didn't have the strength to get out of bed, eat anything, let alone talk to anyone. I didn't expect to experience it in exactly this way. As long as other things occupied my thoughts, I was able to function somehow, but when Lucas and I returned to the apartment and went to the bedroom, all the pain of losing Kai came over me with redoubled force. I couldn't go to sleep without him, especially since at the mere thought of what had happened, I began to drown in tears, and nothing could stop it. I suffered so much that I thought more and more about reaching for his gun, which his father had handed down to me, and finally ending my suffering. I was afraid of not being able to return to normal functioning. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle the role imposed on me and that innocent people would suffer the punishment for my mistakes. What I was most afraid of, however, was that under the influence of these extreme emotions I would become a monster. Someone who will have no conscience whatsoever and will begin to kill anyone he comes across, just to silence the pain at least for a moment. At that moment I realized how my father must have felt when my mother fled from him to the States. I was no longer surprised that he did everything to die, because at that moment I wanted the same thing.
- Y/n, can I come in? - I heard Lucas' voice coming from behind the bedroom door.
- Yes!
I wrapped my blanket tighter around me and got out of bed to at least scoop up the used tissues scattered around me. I gathered them all into a pile next to the bed and raised my eyes to Lucas, who was standing in the threshold. Once again, his face took on a concerned expression, and I struggled to control the grimace pressing against my lips. I knew very well what he would want to talk about in a moment, and I was not happy about it. His constant worrying, began to irritate me more and more, as neither he nor his sister Seon left me almost an inch away. I was grateful to them for supporting me, but at the same time I was getting tired of the fact that I could rarely be alone with myself.
- How do you feel?
- Listen, if you've come just to find out how I feel, you can leave - I growled quietly - I have no intention of talking about it with you or Seon.
- But we want to help you.
- Lucas, I have to deal with this on my own, finally understand this. You are not helping me at all, you are only making things worse, so stop treating me like I am an egg! On the one hand you demand me to be a boss, and on the other you don't allow me to take care of myself and deal with all this in my own way.
- I just want to help you - he repeated once again.
- But I don't want that help, do you understand? I can handle this on my own, and if I need help, I'll ask for it. Something more is wrong, or did you come just for that? - I looked at him expectantly.
- Two hours ago the lawyer read out Kai's will - he reminded me quietly.
- I know, but I really didn't have the strength to go there. Did father say anything?
- No, he guessed that you would not be able to participate. He just asked me to tell you everything.
- Do it, if you must - I sat back on the bed.
- Well - he sat down next to me - it won't take long, because the will was short. The house in Seattle, both apartments, the one here in Shanghai and the one in Seattle, the cars and all bank accounts pass to you. In fact, Kai left you everything he had and only a few trinkets he ordered to pass on to his father and the people closest to him.
- But I don't want that - I groaned quietly - I don't want that money, those houses and cars. You can take them away from me!
- But it will all belong to you anyway.
- Only what's the use to me if I can't have him, huh?! I want to have him back, whole and healthy! I'll give it all back, but give him back to me! Give me back my husband, give me back Kai - I sobbed loudly, hiding my face in my hands.
- Shhh... Y/n, everything will be fine - he took me in his arms and began to rock me slightly - I would like to help you, you don't even know how much, but even I can't do it. I will do anything for you...
- Then give him back to me. Find a way to get him back to me. I beg you, I'll do anything you want, just turn back time and do something to make him live - I begged him, still sobbing loudly.
- Y/n, I would like to, but you know very well that it can't be done. I'm sure that with time you will get used to it and it will be easier for you....
- Get out! - I pushed him away furiously, feeling how his words make me furious - get out of here right now! I don't want to see you here!
- But...
- Leave me alone! I don't need your comfort and empty words! Get the * out!
I got up on my feet and with a * I put him on his feet. He didn't put up any resistance as I dragged him toward the door. I pushed him over the threshold and slammed it furiously behind him. I returned to the bed and collapsed on it sobbing loudly. How could he? How could he comfort me with these empty words? How could he even tell me that the pain would pass and I would feel better? I will never feel better, because I will forever be left with this stabbing pain in my heart. I just realized that I died along with Kai, and nothing or no one will be able to bring me back to life.