I am in a 3 storey luxurious house, which I probably know is not mine, however, I still get the feeling that this is something I can definitely call mine.
I am seated in front of my vanity and I feel a presence of someone other than me being in the same space, that is, my room. I look around only to find my best friend, Emily. We are getting ready to go hang out and have some fun. May be, planning for an ordinary girls day out.
I glance at my reflection in the mirror to see that I am wearing a chiffon, sleeveless, sea blue shirt with white bell bottom pants. Emily, on the other hand, is wearing a tangerine tank top with blue ripped jeans. Emily is such a sweetheart, loved and adored by everyone. She has beautiful natural red hair that falls up to her lower back, fair skin with light freckles on her diamond shaped face with light brown eyes. The red color of her hair makes her stand out, which she uses it confidently with her easy going and bubbly personality. She is tough when needed be but kind all the time.
'I am lucky to have her as my best friend.' I think to myself as I glance at her reflection in the mirror while she jumps up and down to fit into her ripped jeans. Seeing her struggle to fit into those damn sexy jeans makes me chuckle a little. The struggle is real and one that every girl has experienced but dang, it totally worths it?
My eyes travel back to my own reflection, I am combing my own brown hair which falls flawlessly up to my waist. I'm getting ready to style them, debating if I should curl them a little, maybe give 'em a wavy look or should I just tie them up in a high ponytail.
Meanwhile, Emily is done putting her jeans on and is peeking outside the window. Something or more like someone has already piqued her interest as I can see her eyes lighten up while she stumbles with a light gasp escaping her lips, however, she quickly enough regains her posture in order to not fall miserably flat on her face. She once again leans closer to the window frame and begins yelling, "Nadia, Nadia. He's here. Gosh! *Gasps* HE IS REALLY HERE. Look. Hurry up!"
She squeals like some excited child whilst she signals me with her hand to come and take a look at what she's looking. Her voice is loud enough to be heard outside, making me want to roll my eyes. Knowing her, only two things gets her this excited, one is food and other, boys!
"Who?" I question with a slight suppressed laugh as I get up and make my way to the window, curious enough to know who's got her squealing like this.
I look outside and down the window, only to see my boyfriend, who I am utterly in shock to see. Last night, I recall we had an argument which turned into a really bad fight and it literally felt like we will not be seeing or talking to each other for a while. But he is here, all dressed up clean and nice in a tailored navy blue tux, with his black Audi r8.
From the looks, it seems like he has just came out of my house and is getting ready to leave with his car door slightly open, about to get in.
Thanks to Emily's squealing, he is now looking up at us.
I thought he would be ignoring me and won't even look my way. But the situation is different. He is curious about my mood.
We lock eyes with each other and instead of avoiding me, he is just gazing at me. He isn't even trying to hurry and get in his car. He is just standing there, looking at me. Maybe studying me.
I am also hesitant to break away my gaze. A little bit afraid that he might disappear at once if I even blink for a millisecond.
*Knock, knock*
A maid enters my room following a knock on the door.
"Miss. Your mother is calling you downstairs." She notifies us with her stern business like voice.
"I'll be in a jiffy." I reply without even bothering to look at her. My full attention is on him and this unknown fear in me that makes me not want to tear my gaze from him. Still, I need to leave. I have to go and see him.
I turn around to leave the room with quick feet. On my way out, I order Emily to put nude lipstick rather than the red one. She glares at me but happily oblige as she instantly puts down the red lipstick back and begins applying the nude one.
I rush through the hallways only to stop for a second so I can glance outside once again in order to check if he is there or not. To my relief, he is and he is still looking at the window. The same window I was standing near a few seconds ago. This action of his assures me that he is here to see me.
I hurry downstairs, almost running. I'm about to grab the door knob but unfortunately, before I can even touch the front door, my mother appears before me out of nowhere. She stands between me and the door as she pulls and tugs my left arm.
'Strange! Where did she come from?'
Her sudden appearance in front of me forces me to stop momentary. She is almost pushing a small wooden chest in my face. I try to push her hand away and peek from behind her to see the door. But she manages to hand me this strange yet beautiful trinket box. I look at it and it is decorated with gold and copper element. I have little time to get all the details.
"Your boyfriend told me to hand this to you." She speaks in a cheerful tone. She's hoping that I open it up, like right at this instant since she's eager to see what's inside. I also want to see what's inside but this is so not my priority right now. So later.
"It looks like a trinket box, what's inside?" I ask slightly shaking the box.
"I don't know. It's locked. The key is with you, he said." She notifies me with a curious look on her face.
I focus hard and recall a key in my dresser but I am too much in a hurry to go get it now. So, I tell my mother to open it up later and rushes outside.
I look around and I see his car tuning right at the corner of the road. I watch him leave, with my sunken heart. Only just a minute would suffice. Just a minute. I was too late.
Suddenly, I start hearing a melody followed by the lyrics of the song...
If my heart was paper, I'd fold it
Throw it to the wind and just hope it
Ends up with you
I signed it with love from me to you
I tried to be cool
But my feelings they don't allow me to
And all that I ask
Is that at least you write me back
I'm waiting
Here's my paper heart
Won't you hold it, hold it
.
.
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I wake up, only to swipe the off icon of the alarm on my phone.
I groan at the song, the timing of the dream and at what feelings I am left with.
'Could it be, synchronicity? A sign?'
I scoff at the thought of it being a sign since in my 25 years of life, I never, nuh-uh, not even once had a boyfriend. So, A BIG NO! Also, what's up with this dream settings and that house. That Damn House! It was a friggin' mansion. Everything about it was grand. No way in hell, will I be able to buy or afford something like that on my own, especially not now.
Although the dream was true about my best friend and her personality.
I find it hard to get up as I continue to lay in my bed. I close my eyes once again to give my body time to recover from my sleeping state, enough time to myself and my conscious brain to let the dream and scenarios related to it sink in my head. As strange as it may sound but I wish to remember this bittersweet dream so I replay and recall the most vivid scenes from it. I push back some still left sleepiness and now I am finally fully awake. I sigh while I instruct google to remind me to change my alarm ringtone later.
The timing of that song is still bugging me a little.
I kick up my sheets, too lazy and grumpy to put them back in place. To be honest, I want to go back to that dream and grab him before he can leave. I have early classes today so this doesn't look possible so I stretch my body and head inside my bathroom to brush my teeth. I almost stumble on my beige colored carpet along my way.
'Ugh, today is so not my day'. A thought lingers in my brain as I scratch my calves a little.
My bathroom is just normal looking, not all fancy like the one in my dream. I did add some mini indoor plants to my vanity, a blue checkered curtains which goes really well with the peach colored walls.
Another random song starts playing in the background... I roll my eyes when I check my phone, it's none other than Emily.
I swipe the answer icon and in milliseconds, a cheery voice answers in a sing song manner, "Good Morning, beautiful~!"
I groan in response while I spit the toothpaste foam in the sink. I rinse my mouth from excess of it.
"Woah, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Another bad dream?"
"Yeah, thanks to someone playing with and changing my phone's setting last evening. I seriously can't believe the timing, dude!" I complaint to her. I almost wanted to tell her all about the dream. But I don't wish to relive all those details once again so I decide to shut up and let her guess it all by herself.
"Oh! Don't tell me. Your so-called boyfriend was there, AGAIN. You guys fought, YET AGAIN. He left and you realised, you were the wrong one to exaggerate things like that. And then the song 'Paper heart' by the Vamps started playing." She puts extra tone on the word 'again' whenever she used it.
I dumbfounded look at my reflection and blink at her accurate briefing.
'Damn! She is on point. Did she dream all that, too?'
"Hello? You there? Nadia... NADIA? Geez, don't tell me this is what happened?"
She starts laughing hysterically.
"You and your dreams. Just get over it. *laugh* He is your boyfriend in your dreams and not in real life. *chuckle* What's the point of getting upset with who you haven't met in real life, yet along, know. You need to date, Nadia. And not just that dreamy boyfriend of yours but real boys. You hear me?"
"Hmmm", I just hum in response, knowing perfectly well that she is right.
"Okay, then get ready. See you at University. Also, don't go back to thinking about that dream. Later, honey~"
"Yeah. See ya!"
She hangs up. I decide to take a quick shower and quickly dress up in lemon yellow off shoulder mesh top, white shorts and sneakers.
I do my makeup, apply only sunscreen, and face cream with some liner and a peach colored lipstick. I don't like wearing heavy make up on daily basis as it tires my skin, but I do like makeup, who doesn't?
I look at my complexion, the yellow colored top goes well with my dark brown eyes. I like to show my heart shaped face so I often tie up my hair in ponytail, with some loose strands hanging here and there. Ready to go on with my usual routine and daily rituals which includes drinking coffee, making my bed, etc. Usually I make my bed right after waking up but today is an exception.
I live only 15 minutes away from Paheen University in Chicago, majoring in International Relations. I am still living depending mostly on my parents who are very much happy to support me, just your usual Asian parents. However, they don't live with me.
They prefer living on the countryside as they complain about the city's polluted air and rushed lifestyle.
My dad is half American and owns a Hospital named J Hospital, which is quite famous in the countryside. My mom is Indian and owns a flower shop near the house. They are very well off regarding the expenses and lives somewhat of a rich life. However, I decide not to meddle in their affairs and depend less on them especially regarding money issues. Even after constant resisting and denying they still bought me a studio near the University, convincing me to live in it.
Upon reaching the University the first thing I always do is I meet up with Emily. She is also majoring in international relations.
.
.
.
The day is usual, us going to classes, professors assigning work and later hanging out with my other friends. Time ticks quickly and it's now 5 in the evening. Emily wants to hang out but she already has plans with her boyfriend Greg. I decide not to disturb them so I head back to my studio apartment.
Upon reaching my apartment, I throw all my belongings, my backpack, books on the sofa and then throw myself on my bed with a heavy sigh escaping my lips.
I just lay here and sink my body into the mattresses. I shift my body to lay on my back as I begin to stare at the wooden ceiling decorated with black hanging lamps.
Sometimes I wonder if there is more to life than it appears.
My thoughts start running around in my head...
I hear people around me say, "Find the meaning of your life. Find your purpose."
But what if you keep looking and thinking about this so called life and your true purpose.
You just keep looking and thinking about it for so long and hoping that someday, one day you will find it.
Years have passed, pondering over the same question again and again.
'What is life? Just breathing is enough? Why should I live? Why was I born?'
I am sure I am not the only person who questions all this, but I haven't stopped looking for answers, sometimes inspired by myths that revolve around every religions, sometimes the scientific explanations. I choose to be rational and go with logic rather than just common sensical knowledge.
In high school I used to think that maybe I'll find my reason to life after I graduate high school. But nothing!
In college I used to think, maybe I'll find it this time. But again, insofar nothing!
Then there are my dreams.
I'm sure every girl, no every person has dreamed of their other half at some point in their life. Fantasized about them, about how they'll be like, how they'll treat you. I'm also no different. I have my fair share of those fantasies and dreams.. I call them my normal dreams which only represents a portion of your life, your desires, your fears and nothing else. Then there are THESE dreams. They are unwanted and uncalled for. Freakishly weird. Extremely vivid to the point that you can even call them reality.
In those dreams, I always. Always see this strange person.. he is exactly opposite of my ideal lover, the contrasting image of my dream boyfriend, the kind of guy I could never fantasise about. And he always invade my dreams unwanted. Everything about him screams bad. If I try to remember it correctly then it has been almost 12 years since I can last recall him, from my dreams. If I have to remember how they started, then I should say, with a kiss. He would always appear out of nowhere, in the middle or at the end of my dreams and steal a kiss from me and just like how he appeared he would vanish the next moment, leaving me flabbergasted and filled with numerous confusing emotions. These dreams just don't make sense. He doesn't make sense. I was so angry in the beginning of it all. I mean, how could he? How daring of him? I wanted to scold him, chase him and wanted to give him a piece of my mind but alas. I was never able to find his origin and he always appears unnoticed. Rather I got used to him and his dreams.. so now I tend to go with the flow of such dreams. Guess, you can just accept and come in terms with what you can't fight.
Still, I try to reason with them, and with that person. I have read somewhere and lots of research suggests that we only dream of things, places and people that we know of at some point in our life. I get it. All things make sense, except him. How am I supposed to neglect all the emotions and feelings he makes me experience? Have you ever had dreams that felt so real and vivid? Those are the dreams he always appears in. Hence, the after effect is much strong to defy. Also, now I kind of look forward to these dreams and him. Before I know it, I was falling for him. Hard and fast. Twelve years, is a long time you all.
There is still some hope in me that maybe I will find what I was looking for or what I am constantly looking for subconsciously. Moreover, he is a big part of it all.
'But where exactly am I to look?' Thinkin' about this longer than this won't get me anywhere.
I sigh and check my phone, there is a text from Emily. She sent me a photo of her and Greg, eating ice cream and having fun. Greg has some ice cream smudged on his nose. I know just whose doing it is. Meanwhile in the photo he is captured stealing a bite from Emily's Vanilla ice cream.
Greg is your usual jock type guy, he is very active, athletic and likes almost all kind of sports. His lime blonde hair complement his green eyes, sharp jaw line. At first sight, he gives off the expression of a stud, arrogant young man. But he is a very lovely fella, madly in love with Emily. He's also good to me. Whenever I go or hang out with them, they don't make me feel, not even for a second that I am a third wheel. He is a nice guy who takes care of everyone around him and of course, extra care of Emily. They have been dating for 3 years now and they are still as loving as they were in the beginning, maybe even more. Only they can tell.
'Aw~ These guys are so adorable together'. I smile at them having fun, it's like I am with them at this moment. 'Tis the magic of photographs.
Seeing them having fun, I also decide to go for a walk in my neighborhood and cool my head at my usual spot.
I never felt this true connection of love or mutual attraction with anyone in my whole twenty five years of living in this beautiful planet Earth. There were some moments here and there when I was attracted to a certain someone but nothing deep and I was too lazy to get into any kind of relationship. Guess, you could say that I am a lone wolf. However, I never had trouble socializing with people and I have lots of friends and people who I appreciate and who appreciates me.
Nevertheless, let's put this love trouble for later. Right now, I need to cool my head and stop feeling all so lovesick. So I get up and change into a white colored bohemian top with blue ripped jeans, my hair is tied in a high ponytail.
It's the commencement of spring season and its around 6 in the evening, the sun is setting.
I exit my apartment and walk through the streets. Along the way I come across many of my acquaintances, I greet them in the moment and make small talks while I pass by them. The area that I live in is neither too crowded nor too calm, just the regular hustle-bustle.
It takes just about 20 minutes by walk to reach to my destination, that is, a lake. I often go there to spend time in nature, sometimes to sketch and sometimes just to observe its beauty.
I stand on the crosswalk, there is a red traffic light ahead. I inhale deeply as I wait for the light to turn green. Right in front of me is the park where I visit on a regular basis. I can see people in the distance, walking, playing with their pets. Its lively and nothing out of ordinary.
Strangely, I am the only one at the crosswalk but I don't pay any mind to it. I am in my vibes. I smile and look down at my feet, I am wearing my white sneakers. They were gifted by Emily, just the thought of her is enough to cheer me up even more, so I brighten up a bit more.
I again look up but this time I see a male figure standing in front of me at the other end of the crosswalk. My eyes travels behind him and to my surprise the open park that was there before is replaced by a wall now. I pay it little mind as all my attention is drawn towards this male who is standing several feet away from me while he continues to lean agaist a lamppost. He is busy on his phone.
He is dressed neatly in a white plain shirt, black jeans and a necktie is untied and hangs lose around his neck. He has a black messenger bag in his hand. His hair, tousled raven black in colour nearly covering his eyes. He totally gives off the vibes of some male model. His looks are simple yet classy and not gonna lie, I am literally drooling all over him.
He looks up from his phone and in the process catches me staring. And as hard as I want to look away, I can't bring myself to do just that. I can also feel my pupils dilate as if wanting to capture this moment and take in all the details. I am not sure of myself as to what is happening to me since this is the first time I am experiencing all this. I can see him raising his one eyebrow and tilting his head one way as if trying to understand why am I so interested in him or am I?
'Does it shows? Please, tell me. It doesn't.'
I don't know if I should blame it on my hormones but damn I find myself so captivated. I mean, I just can't look away.
I am flustered, my cheeks are red, all the blood is rushing through my veins. Luckily, he is too far to notice these little changes in me or I swear that I am just going to die of embarrassment right now, right at this instant.
I am somehow happy
I am somehow happy to see this particular I am somehow happy to see this particular person as if something inside me was waiting, just for him. Deep down I am sad, very sad that I feel like breaking down right now. I don't know what emotion to wear? Its like a roller coaster of emotions...
He turns back as a kid around 7 to 8 years calls out to him, breaking our eye contact in the process and giving me time to breathe. Only then I realise I was also holding my breath. I try to study him. He was waiting for that kid.
As the kid approaches, he rustles the kid's hair and they together head in the opposite direction without looking back.
When his silhouette begins to disappear, only then the realization hit me: he is none other than the guy I see in my dreams. That friggin' dream invader. The one I have come to adore these past 12 years.
I am left in bewilderment, frozen in place.
Not believing what just happened. I blink several times and start to take deep breaths to calm myself and my nerves down.
'Was I dreaming?'
Involuntarily a tear escape my eye. I am feeling very angry as my fists are clenched and I feel some sorrow deep inside me. I am telling you, it's a roller coaster of emotions and I swear I am not on my PERIODS since they just ended a week ago. So, I can't even blame it on them. I want to run to him and question him about all those times but my mind is frozen as it was all so unrealistic. And it is still having trouble distinguishing dream from reality. I can't say if it was either.
I again look up and the open park is back. I I again look up and the open park is back. I can hear the background noises of vehicle's honking, and the chitter chatter of people.
I am in a daze when a cyclist passes by me. He rings the cycle bell which in turn was enough to bring me back to my senses with a slight reflexive jump from my body.
'What in the world just happened?'
I hurry to my favorite place but my thoughts are disturbed by what I I hurry to my favorite place but my mind is disturbed by what I witnessed earlier.
I am no longer able to enjoy the weather, the nature. My thoughts continue to stuck on that particular moment in that space on that particular someone.
'Should I call it space? Just what the heck was that?'
I head back to my apartment. My mind just won't rest. I try to come up with all the possible explanation. The rest of the day went by as usual, I order pizza for dinner. It is like I am set on autopilot, I only react and respond as if it is a second nature to me.
My whole mind is still occupied by only that moment with what I felt and witnessed there.
I went to bed thinking, and making every single possible theory or logic to explain all that.
'Was it hallucination? He was really there. Did I really see him? Who is he?'