• I sat with Nina on a park bench near my bookstore and enjoyed the first rays of warmth. It was only the beginning of spring, but it was already warm enough for us to sit in short-sleeved blouses rather than jackets or thick sweatshirts. I shifted slightly to expose my face more to the sun and sighed quietly. I was going to ask Nina to help me choose a wedding dress, but after our last argument I preferred to put it off. I knew perfectly well that Nina and Jimin were not fond of each other, but I nevertheless hoped that sooner or later they would at least begin to tolerate themselves.
• - Would you be willing to go shopping with me on Saturday? I need a dress for a company party - Nina's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
• - Nina, I would like to, but....
• - Don't finish - she sighed disappointedly - he's ahead of me again. I dread to think what will happen when you become his wife.
• - Oi, you know very well that nothing will change - I grabbed my friend's hand - I've already said it not only to you, but also to Jimin, and I'll repeat it once again. Both of you are important to me, and there is no way that I will choose either of you, rejecting the other.
• - Y/n, I understand this, but at times I get the feeling that from the moment Jimin appeared in your life you blindly believe him and adjust your life to him. More and more often you think only about him and his comfort instead of yourself.
• - Nina, you know very well that this is not true - I protested quickly - it's just that my desires and Jimin's fully coincide, and that's probably why you think I've stopped thinking about myself.
• - If you say so - she looked at me intently - but I'm going to ask you one question now and I want you to answer it honestly, okay?
• - Fine - I agreed reluctantly, sensing some kind of trickery.
• - Tell me if you would have met another man on the same day you met Jimin... would you still choose him?
• - Nina, what man?
• - If Jimin stood across from you and the guy from your dream stood next to him, which one would you choose? This is a simple question.
• - It's actually not simple. You know very well that for me it's not the appearance that matters, it's whether I feel safe with someone or not. And with this man... - I paused, recalling how I felt in my dream when this mysterious man touched me.
• - You don't feel safe? - Nina looked at me carefully - is that what you wanted to say?
• - I don't know, okay?! I just don't know, and I would like to finally end this topic! Forget that I told you about it at all! - I threw out frustrated.
• - Y/n, why are you mad?
• - I'm not mad, I'm just... I don't understand what's happening to me... these dreams, this guy and his words. I didn't think I could feel something like this after everything that happened to me but... even though I felt insecure, at the same time... I wanted him to touch me - I admitted reluctantly - I have a fiancé, a perfect man who loves me in spite of what I've been through, and in my dreams I almost drool at the sight of some strange guy and I'm ready to jump into his arms. I don't recognize myself and I'm ashamed that I'm acting like this at the time!
• - Oh, Y/n, if I had known you felt this way, I wouldn't have started the subject - she put her arm around my shoulders - I'm sorry, I didn't think this dreams would affect you so much.
• - I just wish I knew where they came from and why they haunt me - I sighed slightly - I told Jimin about them, of course I left out the presence of the guy, because I didn't want to upset him and he said it was stress, but... I have a feeling that he was more concerned than he should have been and that he didn't tell me everything.
• - I can't believe I'm saying this, but I partly agree with him. You've weighed so many things on your shoulders that I'd be surprised if you weren't stressed. And these dreams... maybe it's kind of your break from everyday life and an attempt to break your block?
• - Nina, what are you talking about? - I looked surprised at my friend.
• - Y/n, we've known each other since we were children, we grow up together in the orphanage and we have no secrets from each other - Nina put emphasis on the last words - and I'm sure you would have told me about it too, just as I told you. I understand that what happened to you in the past can affect how you approach these issues.... But since you've said so many times that you feel safe with him, and yet you still....
• - Stop, don't finish, ok?!
• - I didn't mean to say anything bad, just....
• - Nina, I don't have any block! - I interrupted my friend - I'm not afraid of intimacy, because more than ten years have passed since those events. After all, I went to therapy, which helped me a lot. Besides, you know very well that Jimin and I are very close, and thanks to that I have long been ready for it, but....
• - But what? - She looked at me expectantly.
• - It's not just my decision. It's Jimin who wants to wait with it until after the wedding, and I respect his request.
• - Are you kidding me?! He is that old-fashioned?!
• - He is not old-fashioned, but he's a gentleman and knows very well what happened to me, so he doesn't want to rush everything. He never tries to cross that boundary that we set at the beginning of our relationship and....
• - How about you? Do you really want to wait with this? Or maybe this is really about something else? - Nina looked at me uncertainly.
• - About what?!
• - Maybe Jimin... after all, there are other women hanging around him. Maybe he...
• - Don't finish, or I'll smack you - I threatened my friend, wrinkling my eyebrows menacingly - Jimin is not hooking up with anyone around, and if anyone is the problem here, it's me. I'm the one who had to go to therapy, I'm the one who had to break through and learn to function alongside men again. I am the problem here, do you hear?! Me, not him!
• - Y/n, you are not the problem! - she grabbed my shoulders, tightening her fingers gently on them - I forbid you to even think of yourself that way! What happened then was not your fault! You didn't go to them by yourself, you didn't ask them to abuse you and touch you like that! They were the problem, you should blame them for everything, not yourself!
• - I know this well, but sometimes... sometimes I wonder how it's possible that Jimin accepted me so easily and that he doesn't mind that I'm... scarred - I finished quietly - at times I'm afraid that this is just a dream and when I wake up, it will all be gone. Rather, hardly any guy would want to get in a relationship with someone like me. I know I was pretty lucky and the police found me before I was raped, but I still felt dirty afterwards. At times I still feel that way.
• - I regret that I started this topic at all - Nina sighed heavily and hugged me tightly to her - listen to me carefully, silly. You are not scarred, let alone broken, dirty, or whatever else comes into that empty head of yours. Much of what happened to you was not your fault and you bear no, I repeat, no responsibility for it. Therefore, stop worrying about it and finally come to terms with the fact that this guy loves you. He's with you and he proposed to you, knowing your past, so stop making up the silly things you just told me about and most simply talk to him about everything. About your concerns, about how you really feel and about what you want.
• - You're probably right - I got out of my friend's arms and smiled gratefully at her - thank you Nina.
• - You have nothing to thank me for - she rose from the bench and held out her hand to me - come on, we have to go back, my break is coming to an end.
• - Is it so late already? - I glanced at my watch and pulled myself up from the bench - you'll be late for work!
• - So? It's not the first time - Nina grabbed me under the arm and we moved slowly towards the park exit - when you meet Jimin, give him the advice from me: let him finally take care of you properly, because if not, I'll find you a better partner. And I think I even see one already.
• - Nina! - I poked her slightly with my elbow - what are you even talking about?!
• - Quite a hottie on the third o'clock - Nina lightly winked at me - you would look nice with each other.
• - You are impossible!
• I burst out laughing and pulled Nina towards the exit from the park. On the way, however, I glanced in the direction of the man my friend pointed out to me, but quickly looked away when our gazes met. I had to admit to her one thing though, the guy was quite handsome and if I hadn't been with Jimin then maybe I would have looked at him. But only maybe, because after that question Nina asked me earlier I just realized that if the guy from my dream really existed... he would have a good chance of getting my attention. Or, more precisely, the same chance as my beloved.
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