April was gone. We had a great run…but unfortunately, it was time to move on to the next month. But it also meant that it was time to practice for the evaluation that was coming up that June.
It was exciting, but it was also really terrifying. You never know what the results are.
It was while I was resting from the training classes and such, when my mother came into my room, interrupting my sleep.
she said,
MumHave you been eating well lately?
I had to answer my mum’s question.
I said,
Mum pursed her lips.
MumWell…you seemed to have lost a lot of weight this past month.
I was confused. I didn’t know why my own mother literally watches my weight so much. It’s weird.
Y/NHow did you know about my weight? I don’t understand.
MumYour tummy seems a bit flatter and your energy seems lower than the norm. I’m just worried about you, that’s all. Is it because they told you to not eat certain foods?
I couldn’t tell her about the abuse that I was going through.
That’s right…from that late March, onto early April, all of that irrational and extreme labor at Dream Life Entertainment wounded me in the back of my mind.
It hurt me so much, my mental health was nearly at stake. I didn’t know if I was going to live during the evaluation.
That was when I thought of having someone to stay close to me. Someone to stay by my side.
But this one day made my mental health and joints worse. In another one of my classes at the agency, me and the other girls had to test our flexibility. I didn’t know what that even meant.
All I knew was that I was not going to feel good after a while. I spread out my legs. I went lower and lower.
At a midway point, I felt the tightness between my legs. I ignored it and kept going down.
Suddenly, I had a breaking point. I screamed in pain.
I screeched
Tae-woo yelled.
But I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t bear the pain that I was in. I struggled to stay strong. I began to shake.
Tae-wooHOLD YOUR POSITION!!
Tae-woo screamed.
Y/N“I’M TRYING!! I’M TRYING!!
I screamed back.
Holly, my partner for this so-called “experiment/exercise”, could tell I was in a lot of pain. But I had to keep going.
And then, I began to cry in pain.
Tae-woo mocked:
Tae-wooI’m not even pushing you! Why are you crying? Huh? Why?
I cried.
Tae-woo smacked my back hard.
Tae-wooI AM NOT EVEN LAYING A DAMN FINGER ON YOU!!
I cried even harder.
Y/NHAGO ISS-EOYO!! (I’m doing it!)
The phone alarm went off and I was allowed to be released. Attempting those splits could have broken off my uterus.
But I’m glad that the pain was not that severe.
If I would have stayed in that position for more than twenty minutes…then my body would have a difficult function.
But then, I heard Tae-woo mumble:
Tae-wooI’m glad Jae-yun can’t go through this yet.
It had me thinking. Either it was her boyfriend…or someone that is a part of her family. I didn’t know who yet…it was brutal, though.
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I went home with a hardening feeling. It was late at night as well. I left my home at five in the evening, and at eight in the evening.
I couldn't even have dinner at that time, because I was so traumatized about what happened.
Because I felt such feelings, I was eventually depressed. But not severely, it was just a saying that I was just sad.
But other than that, after that day, I had eventually met someone that would change my life forever!
In the evening of the weekend, I was going out with some of my trainee mates. We were going to their families' friends’ wedding party. But they had a ride to get home, while I had to rely on my mum to come and pick me up.
After I bid my friends goodbye, I patiently waited for my ride home.
I waited…and waited…and waited.
Unfortunately, I got a text message from my mum and she said that she was going to be a bit late, due to the harsh traffic.
I didn’t mind it, and so I said:
I then turned around and saw the boys playing their game. But one boy stopped and stared at me, as if he was concerned.
I turned away in embarrassment.
Y/N<I shouldn’t have looked over!>
I thought.
And then, the guy called out:
I looked back at the basketball court. He asked the same question.
Y/NDo you speak English? I’m very bad at Korean.
JakeYes, I do! I’m asking if you are lost, or something.
Y/NUh…no. I’m just waiting for my ride home.
But the boy wasn’t finished yet.
He then said:
JakeYou should be careful. Even if you do get home, you could be taken advantage of on the way.
I smiled, seeing how much this sweet stranger cared about me.
Y/NI appreciate your concern…
I said.
Y/NBut I’m waiting for my mum, not someone else.
JakeStill, you could be mistaken.
My mum arrived a bit later.
Y/NYou are a very kind boy, thank you! I must go now, my mum is here!
On the way home, my mum asked:
MumWho were you saying goodbye to?
I then stuttered:
Y/NShe was one of my trainee mates…that plays basketball.
MumOh, really? That’s awesome!
I nodded my head. But I also frowned. I couldn’t say two things now. I couldn’t tell her about the abuse, and I couldn’t tell her about the boy I met.
It was just so frustrating. I’ve always told my mum everything. And now…I have to keep secrets from her. I couldn’t take the guilt anymore.
I couldn’t sleep a wink that night either. The thought just haunted me so bad. But eventually, I told myself everything would be alright and I went to sleep.
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At group dance practice, me and my trainee mates were looking back at our footage that we recorded. I knew I was a pretty good dancer.
I think everyone else was having a hard time following along with each other. I understood that.
LaraOur dancing is good, but we are still not in sync…
said Lara.
LaraI know we are trying, but I don’t know if this dance is working for us.
Y/NThen we had better try something else…
I said.
Y/NI say we do a dance that is a bit more…I don’t know…edge.
What about creating our own choreography?
Juliet said:
JulietI think Y/N could create moves that are easy enough to follow through. At least she knows that she is better than Tae-woo.
Reluctantly, I had to agree. I wanted to prove that I’m worthy of at least a bit of fame. But I also want to let people know that we are special in our own way.
And this is how us Galway Londoners formed.
Many more days went by with only a determined heart. And we had spent all of them by attending Mr. Hwa-min’s lectures, dance practices (even group practices), and we took the time to study our Korean (the girls think I have a much better pronunciation than them. I don’t know why).
But it was while I was walking home to my apartment from the agency when I saw a dog running up to me. I thought it was a Golden Retriever.
But the pup kept running closer and closer. I then realized that it was a Border Collie in a creamy-white color.
It was almost like a Golden Retriever. Yet it was more white than a dark color. It was a beautiful dog, too.
I sat down and the dog was already laying her head on my lap. I wanted to pet her so bad. She then gave me a smile when I caressed her head. I could tell she was happy that she was being pet by a friendly girl like me.
And then a familiar person slowly walked up to me. By then, I was half asleep. I then rubbed my eyes. I saw a beautiful boy just standing right in front of me. I was confused.
Y/NHow long have you been there?
The boy snickered:
JakeI just came here, once I saw my dog running off from me. She is not always used to other people, but she seems close to you.
I smiled and caressed the dog’s head some more.
The boy laughed:
JakeYes, she is. I’m Jake.
I then saw my mum’s head peeking out the window.
Y/NOh…I have to go. I know we just met, but it was a pleasure talking to you.
Layla then gave off two barks and then howled.
But then, coincidentally, I recognized that Jake’s voice was some- how connected to the other guy’s voice from the previous night. But it was so dark that I didn’t get a good look at his face.
I then shouted;
Y/NWere you the one that I spoke to last night?
Jake turned around and said:
JakeI think so! You were wearing some sort of party outfit, whatever! But I’m glad you got home safe!
We then waved at each other.
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It was mid-May. I knew it was pretty tough getting around trainee life. But I had to keep going. Still, it was harsh and wild.
At least I had eleven of my closest friends there to support me. And that includes Kanade Nishimura.
During those times, I would also wait patiently for the TV show I-LAND to air. And that was how it’s been for the next couple days. Until the month of the evaluation.
I remembered that at sixteen me and my trainee mates were all terrified by the day creeping closer and closer. One day, I had just finished my practice at the agency, when Layla then ran up to me again.
And then, Jake appeared.
JakeIt seems to me that Layla has befriended you.
he said.
I smiled.
Y/NI know. She is such a sweet puppy.
And then he frowned.
JakeMy aunt, at Dream Life Entertainment, she said that one of you was doing horrible. I didn’t like that at all.
I said in shock:
Y/NYou are meaning to tell me that Shim Tae- woo, our dance teacher, is your aunt?! I thought that Jae-yun was her boyfriend or something like that!
Jake comforted me in a way that I somehow accepted.
He said.
JakeMy mum and Tae-woo…they don’t get along. They never did. And I have to say…you seem kind of bold enough to take her down. But I have to warn you…she is a demon.
Y/NNot really, though, right?
JakeNope. It’s just a saying that she is one mean person.
I kept in touch with Jake for the rest of the month.
And then, it was the day prior to my evaluation, when Jake said, jumping up and down:
JakeI am going to be on I-LAND!
I smiled and squealed by saying:
Y/NOh, my god! Really! I’m so proud of you!
We then found ourselves hugging each other. We then jumped off of each other.
I said.
Y/NI guess we got a little too excited, didn’t we?
JakeMaybe a little too excited. But, hey, we are both reaching for our dreams. At least we have one thing in common.
I asked.
I smiled for some reason.
Y/NYou know, I would like to invite you to our evaluation. Do you go to Dream Life Entertainment?
JakeYes, that’s where I go to practice Korean. I’m from Australia and I want to be fluent in my native language.
Y/NI speak no Korean at all…
I replied.
Y/NBut I’m glad I found someone that almost relates to me and I’m grateful for someone to understand.
JakeThat’s what friends do.
I then stood up with my pinky in the air!
Y/NIf you will be my best friend for the rest of my life, then you must keep a promise to me.
JakeAnd what is the promise I must keep?
I breathed in and said:
Y/NPlease promise that you will stay by my side for all eternity!
Jake then interlocked his pinky in mine.
JakeI solemnly promise you to stay by your side, for all eternity! I promise you truly!
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The K-Pop evaluation was both terrible and exciting at the same time. But…then again. We had practice until the big day came. And that day came. Mr. Hwa-min gave me a smile as we all walked in.
But then he frowned when Tae-woo came along with us. I felt such concern and had a feeling none of us were going to debut.
Before we began, Mr. Hwa-min said:
CEO Hwa-minBased on the grades that you received for the past few months, we will discuss a new debut group next year.
But the members that are ranked first, as he went on, would be entitled as a vocalist, rapper, dancer and visualist.
But I wanted to be lead dancer and vocalist, even if I didn’t sing that well.
The standards for trainees are sky high, so I had to make sure I would do everything that I have learned, along with everyone else, properly. And I did.
But the results are not what you would expect. Never will. And my friends started this whole thing when they were six or seven years old.
They have wanted to become the next BTS or TWICE or BlackPink or even Red Velvet and all of that stuff.
I worry about them constantly, even at home.
Our dance evaluation was pretty good in my opinion. But I wasn’t sure about our judges.
But I just started dancing when I was about twelve or thirteen. Those were the days when my self-esteem was high into outer space. When I was a happy girl.
We then struck a pose once our song ended. We then noticed that the judges were writing some comments or notes about our progress.
Once we waited it was time for our results.
But that was when Tae-woo stole the whole show.
Tae-wooI watched your performance as if it was an actual concert. And let me just say this…I want an effing refund.
I didn’t understand Korean, so I asked Kanade, “Did we not do so well?”
She looked at me terrified…and shook her head. I knew it was a bad sign.
Right in the middle of Tae-woo’s Baron von Scold Show, that was when Shim Jake walked in.
After complaining unnecessarily about everyone’s skills, and their singing and dancing, it was my turn. At least mine wasn’t as harsh as everyone else’s.
Tae-wooI think your voice is actually some- how attractive. And your pronunciation was good.
She said.
I felt actually good about this. But I knew she had something else to say, I knew that it was nothing better than what she had just said.
Tae-wooYou even have the dance skills that we have been looking for…
She continued.
Tae-wooBut the thing is, you focused too much on the pronunciation. I couldn’t feel any emotion. And so, it became tiring for me to listen to you.
But she wasn’t finished yet. She had other things to say about my singing. And trust me…it was so violent!
She said as she began to yell:
Tae-wooThough your voice sounds attractive, you still make our ears hurt! I never want to listen to that! And so…I won’t ever let you debut! I will kick you all out instead!
And that was the end of it. None of us made it. Kanade had been evaluated and most of the other girls had made it into the finals that were somewhere else.
And all me and the english-speking girls had to do now was to accept the fact that we couldn’t debut.
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As everyone was leaving I could not help but repeat what Tae-woo said about my singing and dancing skills. It hurt me so much that I broke down, bursting into tears.
I slowly walked out from the agency, sobbing so quietly. I went to the park of my apartment. I let out a big sigh. And I continued to cry to my heart's content.
But I couldn’t cry anymore. I had to be happy about all of my hard work. Yet I didn’t have it in my heart to tell my mother about what had happened.
But Jake had done everything I was supposed to do. For some reason, he had found out about what I was going through.
It was because his mother usually picks him up from the agency after Korean classes, which he hates, by the way, and she spotted Tae-woo scolding and criticizing us, the girls.
And she even saw how I nearly broke my uterus during the inhumane splits.
Jake, who was with his mum the entire time, told my mum the whole story. I wanted to tell her as well.
But I was just scared to do it.
I then saw my mum sit beside me and she hugged me tight.
MumWhy didn’t you tell me about all of this?
She asked as I sobbed and gasped.
Y/NBut I was scared that you wouldn’t believe me. I feel awful, Mummy!
MumI know you do. And I’m really sorry. Looks like someone was already there to look out for you.
I calmed down shortly after. My mum smiled for some reason. Was it because I was no longer crying, or something else?
MumYou did your best, that was the main thing. I know it’s your dream to become a celebrity. I will support you on this. Whatever you do…don’t give up.
I seemed to smile after that.
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A couple of days have passed since the evaluation. But I wasn’t too worried about it. All I could do now was to try to find a much better agency for me and my eleven trainee mates. And I somewhat did.
I was taking a walk in the nearby nature trails. And then, I noticed a building that was coming up in front of me. And that was when I saw at least three boys in front of me.
I said to myself.
But then I hid behind a bush once they looked back.
SunooMust have been a Rabbit, then.
Said one of the boys.
I followed them to a tall building. I didn’t know what building it was. I did become quite nervous. I then became closer and closer to it.
I knew it had something to do with the upcoming show I-LAND. But I knew I was going to miss out on the first episode.
But I thought of the building having TVs inside, so it couldn’t have been a problem for me.
But then…as I stepped in front of the main entrance, the three boys disappeared. I was then more nervous than before.
I couldn’t figure out what door the main entrance even had. I had to take a step closer. That was when the door opened.
I then quickly ran inside before it closed on me. But I knew I wasn’t supposed to be in there in the first place.
As I was going to turn back, the door was already closing and I unfortunately did not make it out of the building. Boy, was I hopping mad.
I shouted.
Y/NNuh-uh! No way! You can’t just leave me here, stranded in the middle of nowhere! I literally have a home, I hope you know!!
I let out a very loud groan and I banged on the door, cursing under my breath. I sat down for a moment. I knew I was angry. But I couldn’t be for long.
I got up, held my bags in hand…and slowly walked the rest of the way I seemed to have lost sight of the boys.
I had a feeling that I wanted to run away from it all, but it was just so interesting to be there. It was just… curious.
But then, there was a sudden dead end. I looked all around. But the walls all seemed the same. But on one side, though, there was an entrance to another room.into the building.
Hesitantly, I walked through the threshold of that room, still having that nervous feeling. But I then stood still.
Suddenly, the floor began to move. I didn’t know what was going on, and I was confused, too.
Without thinking, I jumped on a moving tile. And then another. And then another, until I got to the other side.
And then, I sat down. Suddenly, I heard voices from other people. I knew I was going to get caught. I had to face the consequences sooner or later.
Soon enough, they all came and sat down around me. But they all came from the other entrances. I was even more confused.
I looked around…and there were no more than 23 boys sitting all around me. 24, including me.
But I wasn’t a boy though. I was a girl. And I didn’t even know…that I was going to be on I-LAND!