“To be rejected by someone doesn’t mean you should also reject yourself.” - Jocelyn Soriano
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After picking the kids from your mother's house, you took them to McDonald's and brought them home, where they ate their McDonald's meal and took their bath. After kissing them goodnight, you plotted down in the living room waiting for Jimin. Jimin has never been this late. Even when he worked late, he always arrived after 10:00. But it is a quarter to 1 am, and he isn't here yet. Fear pulsed through your veins for Jimin. You even tried phoning him, but he didn’t pick up; it kept going to voice-mail.
So you decide to wait in the living room cowered on the churealen sofa, hugging yourself like a toddler. Your eyes grew heavy as you sat in the darkness. You fought it off as you kept rubbing your eyes but it helped little. You could feel your head drooping low as sleep drew in you. At the sounds or keys jingling, your head veers around as the hair on the back of your neck stands up like a tiny atom in your body. As you see the doorknob turn, you jolt up from the couch and calmly walk to the door. Jimin treks in and eyes you. His expression hardened.
“Why are you up?” He questions sternly and coldly. He hates when you do this. It looks like you two are actually in love; which y'all aren't. He doesn't like when you stay up and wait for him. Massaging your eyes, you spoke. “I was waiting for you. I tried calling you, but you didn’t pick up and it went to voice-mail.”
“Sorry, my phone was dead,” irritation prickled at him as he watched you squeezing your eyes shut and yawning as you covered your mouth.
“Are you hungry?” Jimin shakes his head. “I want to rest.” He saunters past you and up the stairs. You can tell something has occurred. Jimin has always behaved coldly towards you, that you were used, but this was different; it was like he couldn’t stand the sight of you anymore. Like rage churned inside him by the sight of you. You don’t know why he is acting this way. Did I do something wrong? You scratch your forehead as you tilt it before walking up on stairs. Opening the door, you see Jimin ambling into the bathroom, completely ignoring you.
After what seemed like an hour, Jimin finally came out and lay on the bed wearing a plain white t-shirt and short black sweats. “Jimin?” You call. He swung around to you. “Are you okay?” Rolling his eyes, he turns back around and lays down on the bed comfortably, as he scooted away from you creating space. He must be tired from work. Maybe that is why he’s acting grumpy.
You loomed closer. “Jimin are you still-.”
“I'M TIRED!” He blurts out, his eyes and vein overpowering with anger.
“But-.”
“ARE YOU DEAF? I’M TIRED” Abruptly standing up from the bed, he stormed out the room. You sat up on the mattress frightened down to the sole of your toes. You don't understand why he is being like this, why he is suddenly acting like this? Standing out of bed, you tail him. As you see him penetrate the guest bedroom, you enter too. Jimin lies on the bed as the blanket covering his body.
“Jimin, what’s wrong?” He doesn't respond. His body lies on the bed, not even shaking or making any sudden movement. You stand there bother; adrenaline pumped through your body. Did something happen at work? You don't know what is going on with him. The hem of the bed is where you sit.
“Jimin, did I do something bad?” He still doesn't reply. Fear streaked through you at the thought of touching Jimin. You gulp as a lump forms in your throat. As your hands touch his body, your body shakes with fear. You know Jimin's anger and know how scary it can be; bracing yourself for the pain the tip of your fingers meets the depth of his smooth baby skin. Just as you expected, a roar, angered, shot through him as his foot flung in the air, kicking you in the stomach. You fell on the cold wooden floor; as the pain blossomed in your bowel coursing through your body, it felt like a sharp knife in your gut. Tears fill your eyes as you fight it back.
“CAN'T I GET A NORMAL REST, FOR GOD'S SAKE?” He yells, his anger raging as he stares at you with burning eyes; eyes that could burn you into ashes if you continue staring at them. Your eyes scorch as you attempt to keep your tears at bay. Crying in front of this man made you weak. You vow never to cry in front of him. You didn’t want him to view you as weak. You didn’t want him to view you like your father did with your mother. When the pain had subsided a little, you stood up from the floor and exited the room. Proceeding back to your room. Laying on your mattress, you cry in a low moan, making sure you weren't too loud.
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As you get up, your head throbbed with pain from the headache. As much as you had tried to restrain yourself from crying last night, you couldn’t. It was unbearable. The pain from Jimin's ill-treatment towards you had your eyes soaked with water.
However, rather than lingering on the bed, you get up and walk toward the kid's room, entering the room, you see the two beds that had little angels in them. Putting on a smile, you walk to Ara, rousing her first, since she is the hardest to wake up. You tap her shoulders as you call her name. She grunts and twists, but you keep tapping her until you see her covering her eyes from the light that shines from the window blinds. She sits up on the bed and gazes blankly at you, her eyes still heavy with sleep.
“Morning mommy,” she groans. You peck her cheeks gently. “Go in the bathroom, I will be right there,” you instruct. She does as you say; sliding off the bed as she walks to the bathroom. You then proceed to Jiun's bed. As you get nearer, you see Jiun curled up in a ball, his eyes misted. “Jiun, are you alright?” You sit down at the perimeter of the bed. Jiun wipes his tears at the sound of your voice.
“Mommy… why were you and daddy arguing?” he asked with sadness in his voice. The scene from the night replays in your mind. The look in your eyes was desolate; as you stared at him. “We weren’t. Daddy wasn’t feeling good.” Lying was your new addiction. Well, it always has been since childhood. Jiun rises from the bed.
“Mommy, why are you telling stories?” you shake your head and extend your arms open as the boy trudges into your embrace. “I’m not telling tales. Daddy wasn’t feeling well and wanted to be by himself.” Your eyes streamed with tears.
“Mommy, are you crying?” your face contorted, and you shook your head, wiping your tears. “No, something just went in my eyes.” You feel ominous that your 6-year-old had seen what transpired last night. You didn’t want Jiun to know why you were crying. You have always feared this thought that they might find out. Maybe once they are old, but not now.
After getting both the kids ready, you head downstairs to make them breakfast. Jimin is in the kitchen making a meal for himself.
“Morning,” you said, but Jimin didn't reply, instead continued doing what he was doing. Is he still mad at me? “Jimin, are you ready for Jiun's conference?” you ask, walking up to him. Jimin quivered with resentment, but said nothing. He barely even wants to look at you; your face brings him rousing anger. “Are you not coming?” Jimin rolls his eyes, walking past you to the table. He takes his seat and sips his coffee, staring at his phone. Raking your fingers through your hair, you let out a frustrating sigh.
“Today, we have to go to Jiun's teacher and have a talk with her.”
“I’m going to be busy. I have to go to the office and do some work.” Your brows are knitted as you look at Jimin; he said he was calling in from work, so what is he saying?
“What? You said that you were going to take a day off and go to Jiun's school,” you blurted out. “I changed my mind. Jiun is probably tired or something. He has always been soft and lazy, so why are you grumbling now?”
Soft? Lazy? Is that what he thought about his own son?
Your eyes widened. You can feel the flare in your pupils. “He's my son, and as a mother, I’m genuinely worried. I'm scared when a child of mine is acting in such a way that is unknown,” fury roared through your mind as you spoke. Jimin's anger was mounting as he glared at your perplexed form.
“Going by yourself wouldn’t hurt, would it? After all, he is your son?” The anger in you was building up more, as you could feel your blood boiling. You are about to say something when Jiun and Ara come into view. Ara surges to her dad.
“Hey daddy,” says Ara, clutching her father's leg. Jimin smiles, holding the little girl up, kissing her cheeks. Jiun, however, goes directly to his seat and doesn’t say a word to his dad, but Jimin couldn't care less. The less pressure, the better. Jiun gazes at you. He could feel how flames of anger licked through you as you glowered at Jimin. “Mommy?” He murmured, his voice thickening with fear. Forcing on a light smile, you rotated your body around. You rested against the countertop as you drew a breath in, suppressing your anger.
“Mommy, are you okay?” Ara asks. You quickly brush your tears and nod your head. The last thing you want is for your kids to find out. “Do y’all want to get breakfast from McDonald's?” Ara bobs her head. “Yes mommy, please,” You fake a smile and go upstairs to change and brush your teeth.
As you are brushing your mouth, Jimin steps into the room. Walking into the bathroom, he removes his shirt. His tanned body and abs shimmer your way. You make an attempt not to peek but it was too alluring, however; you manage not to stare, because the boiling anger you felt for this man, words aren’t even enough to describe it. Once you are done, you set your toothbrush in the glass cup. Just as you're about to leave the bathroom, Jimin's hand catches your wrist and you look at him. “After dropping off the kids… I want to speak to you.” He let go of your wrist and you left the room.
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As soon as you walk into the house, you see Jimin sitting on the couch as if he has been waiting for you; his body leaned back, as his slides tapped against the soft black furry rug underneath his foot. His arms are folded against his chest. You walk to the other couch and take a seat. Jimin leaned slightly as he placed a white document on the table that once sat next to him on the churealen sofa. Your brown rimmed eyes narrowed at the document; on the cover of the document read DIVORCE, in big bold letters, your eye instantly glanced up at Jimin.
“What's that?” Jimin stares at the document and then at you. “Read to find out.” So, taking the paper you read it. Your features sadden with confusion as you read the document. You understood it perfectly. But why was Jimin asking you to read it? Why did he even have this document in the first place? Your face wrinkled as you continued to read the paper. You gaze up at Jimin. “Y… you… w…. want a divorce?” The words strangled in your throat as you spoke. He simply bobbed his head, pinching the bridge of his nose as his arms now rested against his thigh when he leaned forward. “Jimin, did I do something? Is it b… because of last night?”
“Yuna, stop faking like you don’t know. Just acknowledge the truth and get over it.” His forehead furrowed as a muscle in his jaw twitched. “There is another woman, right?” Jimin's eyes narrowed to yours but fell. “What about the Kids?” He scoffs, his hooded eyes slightly closing as his head droops down in a bitter laugh.
“What about them? I'm still going to be in their life.” His head rose back up in a glare. A vortex of anger swirled inside him, as he noticed melancholy and confusion clouded your face; why were you sad, or confused when he is the one that had to put up with all of this? “I know you don't love me, that's alright. But the kids, you know my fear for them. I don't mind divorcing you; you know that, but our kids,” your voice was heavy with emotion.
“That's not my concern. I will give you four days so you could ponder. I’m leaving and filing for a divorce. I was proceeding to do this the easy way, but you will leave me no alternative if you continue this.” Abruptly standing up, Jimin was about to leave when you spoke.
“Jimin, please… even if you don’t love me, think about the kids. Please, I beg you.” You said brokenly. You stand up, walk closer to him, your hands wrapped around his stomach, and clutch him tightly as your tears drench the back of his plain black t-shirt. Jimin sighs. He tried to calm his rage, but with your hands wrapped around him, he couldn’t. Forcefully, he took your hands from around him.
“She came back.”
As he was about to leave, once again you spoke. “Who came back?” Jimin stopped walking and spoke. “Areum… she came back,” recognition dawned on your face, knowing who he was talking about. Your body granules to the ground weakly. You should have known that his ex-lover came back. That is why he is acting like this, that's why he is smiling.
Jimin leaves the living room as you stare blankly at the family pictures that were taken only a few weeks ago; your eyes widen and rim with tears. The photo was only taken because of the force of Mr. Park. In the picture, everyone was overflowing with happiness, but are y'all happy? Were those smiles genuine?
You have always told yourself that you are solely in this marriage for the kids, but is that true? Isn't it because you don't want to lose Jimin too? Isn't it because he was the first man who made your heart beat like there was no tomorrow? Snarling out of your thoughts, you stood to your feet; you aren't about to let him see you cry; he doesn't deserve your tears; he doesn’t earn your love or tears. You wipe your tears and head upstairs.